The Ballad Of Wayne & Netty
(just your usual serial killer-themed anti-heightist catfish prank)

WayneClooney's profile (with prof pix of Ted Bundy):
Tall, dark and modest man who loves his two part-time jobs as a horse trainer at a stables in Norfolk and a zumba teacher in London. My hobbies include horse riding, pottery, clubbing, buying and renovating properties and walking my dog, Ripper. Just to let you know, contact this profile, not my other one as the messages are only getting through to this.
First Date: Let's go for a drive in my Lotus Elan or my vintage VW down to the the stables where I will treat you to a gallop across the Norfolk countryside. Afterwards, let's catch some lunch at a country pub and then onto Norwich (or London, Manchester, Ibiza, Milan - depends on how long you've got) for some serious dancefloor action x

Netty’s profile:  
if yr under 6ft2" then dont bother messaging me.if i dont reply then i aint intereseted.dont contact me if u aint got the balls to back it up!sounds harsh but i have to be now.as a rule im lovely, i have alot of love to give but fed up of how men think they can treat me. im a real film buff but not chick flicks, i listen to any music but my fav is take that! lol x u get to kn n u will find i am fun lovin n like a few drinks like to act the fool. as u can see from my onesie pic lolif u aint into me then check out my mate PerfectPrincessX and no we dont do threesomes! xxx 
First Date: you pay! i deserve to be wined n dined n treated like the princess i am lol xx

WayneClooney : Hi Netty, can I sneak in, I'm 6' 1" and before you ask, yes, my name is really Wayne Clooney. Well, not exactly, it's Adrian Wayne Clooney, but everyone calls me Wayne Clooney because, yunno, it reminds them of someone famous, in fact two famous people for the price of one lol! I adore strong-minded women who still have that soft side and still want a man to be a man. I'm pretty busy with driving between Newmarket and London where I work and Norwich where I live at the mo', but I've got some days off in 3 weeks time. If you would do me the pleasure of checking out my profile, maybe we can get to know each other in the meantime. x Wayne

xxnettyxx: hi, i cant help but chckle at yr stern pic, its almost on the verge of a prison pic. dont take that in a bad way, i mean well. i got an odd humour. anyway i cant remember wot u said coz i was laughing so i will reply again to wot eva u said x

xxnettyxx : hello. i took me a while to work out who the two famous people were. yes we can chat x

WayneClooney :That's great, I'm really pleased. I know the pic's a bit stiff, but it's one they took for work and I kind of liked it. I'm a bit of a man's man and want women to see my strong side. But I must tell you I had a grin from ear to ear when you replied. I'll put some more pics up in a few days when I get a chance. So your hobby is to shop then, is it? I do a lot of shopping in London when I finish teaching my zumba classes, designer brands and that, you the same?

xxnettyxx : im so not designer, i buy wot i like. i so dont follow fashion either. i am who i am.i used to love going to zumba classes, i would come out n hit the gym for an hour. but not got membership now : (

WayneClooney: Having great abs and coming from a rich family doesn't mean I've never had my heart broken, Netty! My last girlfriend, Myra, was a nightmare. I spent hundreds on her a week, we went on holiday four times a year, we made love every single night even after I'd been working all day and I pushed myself in the gym to breaking point so she would stay faithful, but she cheated every other month and in the end she left me for some short-arse hippy who wrote pornographic poetry. I was so upset I went to the stables, saddled up my favourite horse, Dahmer, and rode for 24 hrs all around the North Norfolk coast. Dahmer needed to be reshoed and just collapsed in the hay when I got back. They think really good-looking people like us have easy, don't they, Netty, but it's not true. That's why I came onto Pof, I wanted to get to know someone before I fell in love both feet first again. I'd love to see you do zumba, I bet the eyes of the men at the gym were on stalks! Wayne x

xxnettyxx :u sound so old fashioned lol. love it. im bad at zumba but i give it a go n kinda keep up, normally miss a few steps tho x

WayneClooney :I pride myself on my old-fashioned manners, so I'm pleased you've noticed. Have you been out tonight then on the razzle having a boogie? I used to be quite famous for painting the town red in my early 20's when I lived in Monaco with my family (Monaco, I know, but I told you they're minted!), but work's just taken over. Using my labtop in a nice little hotel called the Green River Ridgeway on the way back from 4 different zumba sessions over as many hours at 3 different gyms in the big smoke. I'm shattered, but your message really lifted my spirits. I'd love to teach you some of the advanced moves I learnt in Florida from Beto. It's normal to miss a few steps, but if you really feel that salsa rhythm, there's nothing you can't achieve - in the gym or in the bedroom! I don't want to say too much, but zumba can be used like tantric sex if you know how! If you get half-an-hour to yourself, I'd love to know more about you, your work and social life, your favourite things. Guess I'll eat the hotel mint, do a quick 400 sit-ups and get some shuteye. Back to the stables this weekend to whip Mr.Shackles into shape. Have you ever rode a horse, Netty? There's nothing like the sight of a beautiful woman on a handsome stallion - I do mean a horse, or do I? ;) Sweet dreams, x Wayne

xxnettyxx : i may of stroked a horse lol. i work in a department store, i sell shoes n bags n hosiery. i 3earn minimum wage but love the job x

WayneClooney: Thought I'd knock out a quick one before I jump into the Lotus for Newmarket to let Mr.Shackles out of the paddock. So you're a sultry shop assistant, eh? A woman of your beauty won't have to do that for long, I imagine. Seriously, if only you were few inches taller, the catwalk would have come calling, methinks. I know quite a few models at my zumba classes in London, they're nearly all 6ft, in fact there's one Norwegian model I teach called Denice Nilsen and she must be 6" 7 or 8. She doesn't have an once of bosom either. I much prefer my women petite and voluptuous like you, Netty. That's the way it should be: men taller than their women. I don't know whether to laugh or vomit when I see women with men shorter than them, and I know you know what I mean. It's a freakshow, isn't it? I'm glad you've had the pleasure of feeling a horse's smooth hide with your very own hands, I would like to have been that horse! Would you like to going riding with an expert like me one day, you could hold on to my abs lol? Have you travelled much, Netty?

xxnettyxx: not travelled much only dom rep, paris, turkey, ibiza, egypt, mexico, tenerife. i have only stroked a horses head. i would make a perfect hand model lol x

WayneClooney: I think you're teasing me, Netty, you're a very well-travelled young woman. That's important to me as you really have to be a jet-setter in the world of horse training. I've obviously been to Paris, Ibiza and Egypt - who hasn't? - but tend to holiday in Monaco where my parents live or Miami where the zumba headquarters is - I'm trying to claw my way to be a celebrity zumba teacher like Beto is nowadays, then I'll be able to work less and concentrate on purchasing and training racehorses. My mum has a friend, Samantha, who lives in Miami, and I'm close friends with her son, David, the son of Samantha. I imagine your hands are very sensuous, Netty,and that you moisturize them and take very good care of them as you do your whole self from what I can see. Do you live on your own then, or with flatmates or family?

xxnettyxx:i live with my 9 yr old daughter.

WayneClooney : Wow, a mum, eh? I've never had time to have children myself but so many of the horsey set bring their kids to work because they get hooked on horses from an early age. My boss at the stables is called Marley Chanson and he has a young son the same age as your daughter and we're always going riding together. The people at Zumba central are actually looking into a zumba programme in schools in America because of all the obesity and that's something I'd love to teach too. Do you believe in astrology, Netty?

xxnettyxx: no i dont. when i go to zumba or spin then my daughter always comes n joins in, she loves being at the front of the class x

WayneClooney: Oh that's a shame, I'm quite into it. Apparently, Libras and Tauruses are quite the love-match. I know astrology can seem like some weird code made up by a maniac, but it's all the rage in the states and they do group readings every morning before work in the zumba hqs there. I suppose it's rubbed off on me, tho' you can't believe every horoscope in the paper. The true secrets of the Zodiac will never be found, but I know a lot of couples who have dynamite relationships and when you do a reading, it turns out they're astrologically compatible. In fact, I know two couples who are Libras and Tauruses and they've been happily married for years! There's never been a slump in their sex-life either! So great that zumba is a family affair for you, the newfound confidence it gives women has also saved many marriages, I can tell you. It seems the zumba top brass are bit behind the kerb if parents are already getting their kids involved. That's so sweet that yr daughter stands at front of class and inspiring that she's learning about fitness from a young age. You're a responsible mum, Netty, that's awesome! Right, I've really got to leap in the Lotus or Marley will have my guts for garters. i can't imagine a free and single beauty like you stays glued to her labtop or smartphone on saturday nites but i'd love to resume our chat later or tomorrow on a chillaxing Sunday. Talk soon, I hope, Netty. Wayne x

WayneClooney: Hey Netty, just to let you know I loved your new pictures. Those Union Jack nails are fantastic and a really elegant tribute to our Queen for the Jubilee. I'm in London, just been for a drink at Saucy Jack's, a little bar down Whitechapel with a few of the other instructors. Hope you had superb Saturday nite whatever you did. Love to catch up tomoz if you have the time, Wayne x

xxnettyxx : just got in, an early one for me. i have pink toe nails but have painted union jack in diff pinks, i like to get in the spirit of things so wore a white dress 2nite with union jack shoes n red bag, wearing royal blue dress on monday with union jack shoes lol. always wanted to visit whitechapel. im about later x

WayneClooney: Oh that'd be excellent, let me know when and I'll try to get to a labtop soon as I can. Driving down to the Chanson stables in Norfolk today (again!) but not for work. The boss wants me to help him shoot some pheasants. He's got a couple of BTK Raider shotguns (hell of a kick), and he's been nagging me to accompany him. I don't really like doing it, being a city boy and an animal lover deep down, but these country folk are mad on their country pursuits. Your Jubilee outfit sounds magnificent, it ticks me off that some people just won't be making an effort after all the royals have done for this country, so I'm proud of you, Netty! You'd best not go to London on Monday tho',you might end up in the Tower of London for outshining Kate Middleton. I should get an hour on my labtop this arvo, so give me something to look forward to reading! Wayne x

xxnettyxx : lol. oh no not shooting! dont agree with it, so sorry but being vegetarian im defo against n will fall out with anyone coz of it. xx

WayneClooney: Oh Netty, I'm really sorry to have offended you. I was driving down to the stables thru Ipswich, listening to Steve Wright, when I stopped for a cuppa at a wi-fi cafe. As I said, I don't enjoy pheasant shooting anyway, i just felt under pressure from my boss. In fact,as an animal lover myself, I find many of the country pursuits repulsive. I know we've only been chatting a short while, but this is the most connected I've felt to a young lady for quite a while and I was really looking forward to perhaps persuading you to go an date in the future when I get my holiday. As a token of my esteem, and also because I've been looking for an excuse not to do it myself, I want you to know I've actually called my boss and made an excuse. I'm really pleased that you made this stand as it's given me the strength to do so too. Even if we never meet, I want to thank you giving me the courage of my convictions on this issue. I'm probably not ready to stop eating meat altogether, but I was always uneasy about the bloodsports aspect of the horsey set I work with. I know you probably think I'm trying to impress you, and I am a bit, but I've always been conflicted about this anyway and just needed that prod from an inspirational person, love Wayne

xxnettyxx: im an inspiration lol. not heard that one before. i stand up for wot i believe in and i will always fight my corner x

WayneClooney: You sound like a strong modern woman, the kind who looks like a princess but can take pain like a boxer. Did you know that John Wayne was one of the first vegetarians in Hollywood? He was a great horse lover like me and it was thru that love that he came to respect all animals. People used to mock him and say he'd gone soft when he stopped eating meat, some even said John Wayne's gay,see, but he stuck to his guns. He's one of my heroes and what made me fall in love with riding. You're tough and pretty just like a diamond , Netty. I live in a man's world and do a man's work but I'm a bit too romantic inside for my own good. What inspired you to be a veggie, then?

xxnettyxx : have been since i was 7 coz i saw something on tv in an abitoire n that was it for me. i am very strong but i also break easily x

WayneClooney: What you just said really speaks to me, I am also strong but break easily. As I said to you before, when you're exceptionally nice-looking like us, people expect yr life to be problem-free. When you're strong on the outside like us, people expect us never to break or be sad on the inside. I think we're two peas in the same pod emotionally, Netty. So where are you going to celebrate the Jubilee on Monday in yr patriotic outfit? I'll still be at the stables, but will try to catch any celebrations on the box. I'm very supportive of the royals. I remember going with a friend whose brother was a serviceman. We watched the HMS Ark Royal sail back into Portsmouth, and someone said that's Prince Harry's ship. Man, I didn't know he'd been flying helicopters off the Ark Royal, but I felt so patriotic. Do you like the royals or are you more just looking forward to the Jubilee knees-up or a bit of both? Did you watch Wills and Kate's big day?

xxnettyxx :we had a big party last year when the wedding was on n we sat n watched it n cried, it was lovely. we had caviar n champers n got dressed up in our wedding outfits lol. so this year its the same thing round my friends. its all pimms n a bbq. x

WayneClooney: That's absolutely brilliant, Netty. It's people like you who make Britain great. You really are a class act, girl. I wish my holiday was sooner as that's just the sort of patriotic party I'd enjoy. I love pimms, but you must be on the veggie burgers, I guess, you Quorn star! Yunno, we have a lot in common. Bet you all looked like you were Kate's maids of honour. I went to watch it from the Mall (no-one wanted zumba classes that day!) with a nice couple I know, John and Christie, and saw the aerial fly-by at 1.30 when some raf bombers and then 10 rillington planes flew past as the couple waved from the balcony. Do you like caviar then?

xxnettyxx : we had caviar n bellinis with sour cream i think, werent that keen tbh. need to get my veggie stuff 2moz. so looking forward to it, then watching the queen on tv on tuesday. will u be watching? x

WayneClooney: Just try stopping me, we owe it to that proud old lady after all she's done for us, watching over us for 60 years. So many lefties would laugh at people like us, Netty, for still believing in good solid British values, but it's women like you who believe who hold the country together when men go off to fight. I'll be at the stables on Tuesday - it'll be impossible trying to get to London, the roads'll be gridlocked - so I'll be watching it there on Tues morning, tho' my boss Marley's got the hump with me coz I didn't go shooting,but sod him! You've gotta do what's right even if it gets you wrong with higher-ups, do you know what I mean, Netty? I had this same problem with an American zumba trainer back when I started. His name was Dick Ramirez and he expected me to stalk around at night, cleaning the gym. I told him straight: I'm paying good money to train, not to be your dogsbody. Do you get on with the girls at work, Netty, or are they any sorts who try to lord over you too? I bet you don't take it either. Is Sudbury a big town then, I've never passed thru there.

xxnettyxx : sudbury is a small town. i get on with most at work altho had a few run ins! the ones im close with, im really close with n they almost like family x

WayneClooney:Have you and your family always lived in Sudbury then? I was brought up in Huntly in Scotland near Aberdeen, where my dad is a substantial landowner. But I went to a lot of different private schools down South, so I haven't got a Scottish accent.What kind of accents do you like, Netty? I hope you don't like Scottish ones, bit late for that! But when my dad retired, we all moved to Monaco as he was a big motorsports man. I've got a brother, Micky, but he had a bust-up with my dad and my dad's disinherited him so now Micky works for the electric company, Eon. Huntly's ok,but Monaco is where my heart is. But I'll have to move to Huntly when Dad dies to manage our land for a bit. I would have stayed in Monaco, but it's all about racing cars, not racing horses so I came to East Anglia. You have travelled widely, Netty, don't you ever get the taste for living abroad? To an English Rose like you, the world is your oyster. Foreigners love classy English girls,they remind them of Di and Kate. wayne x

xxnettyxx  :good morning. im not one for accents. i would love to travel but got my daughter to think about. i have to say i think thats very harsh n childish of yr father to cut yr brother out. well todays the day of our grand jubilee party x

WayneClooney: Yes, I agree with you Netty, and I'm pleased you think you can speak your mind with me. The kind of woman I'm looking for must be an English Rose on the outside, but no wallflower on the inside. Of course you must put yr daughter 1st, I would expect no less of someone with your loving nature. Do you want more kids in the future then? Dad is very quick to anger and very slow to forgive, you won't even believe what the row was about. It's not only me who's a royalist in our family, but my dad is too, but he's really OTT about it. My bro Mickey said at the dinner-table in our chateau near Leonard Lake in Monaco that he disagreed with camilla and charles' ngagement after what happened to Di, and my dad got furious that Mickey would criticise a royal and they ended up having a blazing row that lasted all night and that was that. Ridiculous, eh? Well, I'm working Mr.Shackles today with the lunging rein which is a special long rein used for training horses. I'll be thinking of you looking pretty as a picture in yr patriotic outfit, the kind of beautiful english woman that our boys in Afghanistan must dream of when they're being shot at by towelheads.You have a splendid day, Netty, and don't overdo the pimms! wayne x

xxnettyxx:i dont think i want anymore children, but i dont kn til i meet the rite one. i will have to agree with yr brother on the pety arguement! x

PerfectPrincessX’s profile (Netty's mate): 
I'm best descibed as a chameleon, i fit in with whoever i'm with, i'm easy going and very sociable. I'm honest, upfront and tell it how it is.I have a 9 year old daughter.I'm really laid back but as soon as you cross me then no 2nd chances.I like all music and love to see live bands.When i'm not working i spend alot of time with my friends shopping, cinema, chill out and i love my mates to bits.I've been told i'm so easy going that i'm hard work lol.I don't wish to see your bumping ugly's before your face!I don't wish your piss stick near my face before at the very earliest the 3rd date!I don't want to talk dirty before there's even a connection! Nor do i do role play through the web cam!Boring as this makes me sound.

WayneClooney: How was yr party, Netty, did you have a good boogie-woogie? I'm doing some last minute exercises with Mr.Shackles before I settle down with a glass of cava and watch the Jubilee celebrations with the Chanson family.You'll laugh, but when you have a young stallion like Mr.Shackles, they're constantly aroused and you know what horses' pizzles (willies) are like. Mr.Shackles' pizzle is 17 inches long and when you're training him to jump hurdles and the like, it gets caught in the barrier. Sometimes he gets so rampant it's all we can do leave him in the meadow tetherEd. Geinerally, he's fairly well-behaved, but when it's mating season, it's like riding a bucking bronco. I must say I checked out yr friend PrincessPowerX's profile, not to message her of course, but because I'm curious about YOU and your life. She's a very funny lady, your friend, and should be a stand-up. It was so risque her remark about 'piss sticks' and third dates lol. I laughed my head off and all I could think about was how she wouldn't want Mr.Shackles' piss stick near after any amount of time! Would you explain 'bumping uglys' to me? I'm on Micky's side of the row too, but I don't want to get disinherited. When dad dies, I'll give Micky at least £10 million, don't you worry. wayne x

xxnettyxx : it was a good day, tho not eaten for 2 days and was ill last nite and this morning. we drank from half 11 til midnight. i have no idea wot my friend means lol, shes a funny one x

WayneClooney: You look after yrself, Netty, i don't like to think of you dying of hunger. For despite the fact we're only POF pals so far, your friendship has become precious to me. Blimey, Her Majesty was impressive wasn't she? Me and Mr. Chanson and his son stood up and saluted and sang 'God Save The Queen'. I don't care if some people would extract the michael. Ryan, Mr. Chanson's son, massacred our national anthem a bit and even Mr.Chanson's voice was squeaky from the all the cava. What are you doing today, recovering from yr party? wayne x

xxnettyxx : i am recovering, still being ill tho. im on the sofa watching films n being really lazy x

WayneClooney: Sorry for the radio silence, Netty, thinks have been hectic up my end, what with having to burn back up to the Big Smoke to teach zumba. Pleased to hear you're looking after yourself after having it large,as they say. You'll never guess what me and some of the instructors are doing this weekend: a bundy jump for charity! I've never done a bundy jump before, but we're raising money for one of Princess Di's old charities for children affected by landmines. As you can imagine, I'm particularly pleased to help this charity. Have you ever done a bundy jump or anything wacky for charity? Can you be a bit of a daredevil?

xxnettyxx:  no i havent, wanted to do it when i was pregnant but werent allowed. im no daredevil lol. we do a walk every year for macmillan x

WayneClooney : Netty, as I write this to you, I'm in the Dr. Crippen Memorial Hospital. There was a terrible accident at the charity event I told you about, the bundy rope snapped and I fell flat on my face from 100ft. The accident has left me terribly disfigured, squishing my head into a saucer-shape like a cartoon character who's been hit with a frying pan and compressing my neck, shoulders and torso. I'm afraid I'm only 4'6 after the accident and couldn't possibly be attractive to you any longer, even tho' you're only a foot taller than me anyway. The nurse here, Beverly, is helping me type this on the internet and tv pay-as-you-go from my hospital bed and over the last week I have fallen in love with Nurse Beverly. All itt took for me to overcome my heightist prejudice has been this grotesquely deforming accident. I hope you do not have to learn the hard way like me. I have enjoyed talking to you more than you will ever know and genuinely wish you luck in the future. Maybe you could go back to school, primary or secondary, it would do you the world of good. I know you used to find me attractive before my disastrous bungee jump so if you would like to compose a forget-me-not montage of my handsome face , why not google some images of a very nice man called 'Ted Bundy'? Love for the last time, Wayne ; )

xxnettyxx : fuck off u fucking freak, wot a waste of time u were. but i tht u were deformed any way before the herendous accident. i have my gorgeous daughter and i dont have alot in life but im happy with wot i got. on another note i so werent attracted to u n yr bullshit anyway, only spoke to u out of boredom. lets hope u find wot yr looking for 6ft under x