Speech by Martin Lysander King Jr. on 'Ugly Bug Dating' 
    I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the sex-starved, soul-sucking loneliness of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the Ugly Bug dream. I have a dream that one day this dating website will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "Real dating for real people."
    I have a dream that one day amongst the grey grids of personal profiles, short blokes and fat birds will be able to lie down together in the biblical sense. That pizza-faced, testosterone-clotted foureyeses and crocodile-handbag-skinned, hatchet-faced divorcees will be able to get it on in the doublebed of reciprocal acceptance and self-acceptance - with the lights on, sisters and brothers!
    That middle-aged accountants who look like middle-aged accountants and broken-spirited single mothers who live in a shoe and don’t know what to do will be able to join hands and swap instant messages with moonshine-mounded ladette giantesses and Danny DeVito doppelgangers as kissers and lovers.
    I have a dream that one day even the website of  DarwinDating, a website sweltering with the heat of fashionistas and body fascists, sweltering with the heat of heightism, weightism, ageism and nooilpaintingism will be transformed into an oasis of faceaches and minghawks having their dilapidated egos kissed better.
    I have a dream that my 5 ft 6 (otherwise hunkily proportioned) frame will one day be able to declare itself on a website where it will not be judged by the relative stumpiness of stature but by the immensity of the literary talent that so squashes this body down.
    I had a wet dream last night!I had a dream that one day every flaw shall be exalted, every wart wanted and spare tyre shall be fondled, the rough faces will be messaged, and the crooked faces will be made indecent propositions, and the glory of the Lord shall be  revealed, and all flesh shall ‘do-oo-oo it’  in the words of the prophet Rik Mayall .
    Now somewhere I read: ‘But aren’t you sick of all the twee lovey-dovey dating sites that show perfectly pretty people hand in hand on a windswept beach?' And yet I hear from my sisters in the promised land of Ugly Bug Dating that some of our fuglypug brothers only entertain attentions from the more slender sisters, and I find that some of my sisters put up signs that say ‘Tall brothers only’, and I see all manner of discrimination based on the vital stats, rather than the content of profiles and diaries  (in which case I would be taking all 600,000+ of you back to my ministry tonight what with my silver keyboard). 
    And this on a site I prayed would be my cyber-shelter from the rain of judgement that stings my mirrors with a Kneecapoleon complex, so I say unto thee: ‘If these choosy brothers and picky sisters seek to bedevil their fellow aesthetically-challenged pilgrims with the very insecurity and forsaken self-esteem that led them to a dating site for shelf-nailed munters in the first place, then maybe these sinners should cast themselves into the immaculately topiarised spiritual wilderness of the self-styled www.beautifulpeople.com!’  Hallelujah, can I get an amen (tho' a woo-men is what I've signed up for)!
     Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn’t really matter with me now, because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like a love life. A bit of humptydumpty has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do Gok’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over and I’ve seen the promised dating site for gen-u-ine uggerly-bugggerly freak or uniques! I may not get there with you, because I’m off to Plentyoffish where at least I EXPECT rejection because my mama had teh old hongabonga with a hobbit!  But I’m happy tonight. I’m not worried about anything. I’m not fearing any haughty heightist woman!  Mine eyes have seen the glory of the pulling of a bird!