The Fish Finger Ninja

Let me tell you the story of a boy named Jim.
Some of the kids at his school were horrid to him.
They called him 'tubby' when really he was trim.
He was quite clever but they said he was dim.
They called him a 'noob' when he was a pro.
His internet was fast but they said it was slow.
He was sick of school, he didn't want to attend.
He told the teachers but they just drank Gold Blend.
But when he told his mum, she gave Jim the day off.
He sat on the sofa whilst she popped to the shops.

She returned, her carrier bags were bulging.
She said, 'Son, can you help me put this stuff in the kitchen?'
He replied, 'Aw, Mum, do I have to?' But he did.
He'd had a hard time but he was a good kid.
As he helped her unpack some food into the freezer,
he idly wished that life was easier,
that something would happen to teach those bullies a lesson.
He shut the fridge-freezer door, his wish forgotten.
That night his family to bed retired,
but in the fridge something magical transpired.
Though he hadn't chanted 'Alakazam-alakazim',
out of the fridge stepped a protector for Jim.
That morning Jim awoke in a state of woe
- his mum wouldn't give him a day off two days in a row.
But before Jim resumed being a school-hating whinger,
in the kitchen he beheld the FISH FINGER NINJA!

An Oriental warrior covered in breadcrumbs,
who had plenty of weapons but no guns.
The ninja threw snowflakes instead of shurikens,
as he was born in a freezer and a freezer is perishin'!
Instead of a katana, the Fish Finger Ninja
wielded, erm , a not very sharplooking fish finger,
but he could BOK you on the head with incredible stealth.
He could move as mysteriously as an Elf On The Shelf.
Under his hood blazed the eyes of a shinobi,
disciplined, deadly and full of Omega 3.
He bowed politely, then told Jim the plan,
'Let's kick some bully-butt, Sensai Jim-san!'
By this time, Jim's mum had come down the stairs.
To her surprise, a six-foot Fish Finger Ninja stood there.
Her mouth was on stalks, her eyes agape
- no, I've got that the wrong way around, wait...
Suffice to say, Jim's mum was at first surprised,
but this is a fairytale so she took it in her stride.
And, reflecting that the ninja looked quite cool,
she let the orange assassin walk her child to school.

Now, on the way the ninja kept to the shadows,
or between bushes darted like a cat after a sparrow.
Just knowing the Fish Finger Ninja was there
made Jim feel confident, but into thin air
that courage vanished when Jim saw his usual bully,
a too-tall-for-his-age kid by the name of Robin Shmuley,
who was always angry because his name was 'Robin'.
Robin spied Jim and flashed him a bully's grin,
but as he approached with a thuggish leer,
between them the Fish Finger Ninja appeared!
With skill, he threw a snowflake shuriken
which froze solid the bully by the name of Robin.
'Will he be alright, standing there like a crystal statue?'
asked Jim, with worry mixed with gratitude.
The ninja replied, 'He'll thaw out, Sensai Jim-San, 
then arrive at school late just in time for detention!' 

Slyly Jim smiled and walked through the schoolgate
 - having a Fish Finger Ninja for a mate's gonna be great!
And it was great for the rest of the day,
the Fish Finger Ninja scared any bullies away,
waving his rectangular fish finger katana
and throwing shurikens as icy as the sister of Anna.
At breaktime, Robin came in with a blue face
and was promptly told off for being so late.
The Fish Finger Ninja gave Jim Kool Kid cred,
but over the week the power went to Jim's head.
Jim began to swagger about and act all hard,
hiding behind his breadcrumbed bodyguard.
He commanded the ninja to freeze Mrs.Burke,
the teacher about to set his class homework,

which made Jim popular, that was true,
but he wasn't so popular when he pushed in the dinner queue.
The lad before him said, 'Jim, don't be a brat!'
But then the Fish Finger Ninja turned acrobat,
somersaulting fiercely and yelling 'Hi-yah!'
So the lad said to Jim, 'After you, brah.'

With a Fish Finger Ninja at his beck and call,
Jim's was inflated like a beachball.
Jim's teachers complained he was becoming unruly,
though he hadn't yet become the new Robin Shmuley.
Jim did what the flippin' 'eck he wanted to,
backed up by a breadcrumbed whizz at ninjitsu.
But his reign as a sensai would end too early:
there was a smell reminding Jim of his seaside holiday,
in particular of the crab claw memento
he'd brought home from the beach but which had started to go
rotten and pong out the family home,
so into the rubbish the crabclaw was thrown.

As if kitty gluttonous for tuna had been sick,
such a stink followed Jim like a dog chasing traffic.
It didn't take him long to locate the fishy reek
- it was his new BFF, the FFN, who by the end of the week
had begun to defrost and go all floppy.
'Sensai Jim-San,' he said, 'Me so soggy!'
as into a mush of watery white meat
the ninja melted on Thursday, soaking Jim's feet,
just like that snowman cartoon they show every Christmas,
except Jim was left no scarf for sad reminiscence.

There's no time to cry anyway: Jim was due
some payback from the lad in the dinner queue.
Robin Shmuley and Mrs.Burke also bristled with enmity,
now the fish finger martial artist had lost rigidity.
Detention or wedgies beckoned, so ninja-like himself,
Jim took the backroads home with scaredycat stealth.
The next morning Jim pretended to feel poorly.
Mum gave him another day off, maybe blaming Robin Shmuley.
She popped to the shops, whilst Jim lay on the couch.
She returned, bags bulging like the kangaroo pouch
of the old woman who lived in a shoe,
except she was reincarnated as a kangaroo
and still had a very large brood.

Anyway, Jim's mum had bought the week's food
and said, 'Son, can you help me put this stuff in the kitchen?'
He replied, 'Aw, Mum, do I have to?' playing the victim,
but she'd cut him some slack, so he'd thought he'd be nice.
Besides, Jim wondered if the same trick might work twice.
Not so idly, Jim wished at the fridge-freezer door
for a Chicken Nugget Luchador!